Questions for 02/18/08

Dear Nick of Time,

My mother left my father for some guy name Nico Thyme.  Not sure if I have the correct spelling of that.  I just heard her screaming it in bed…which is awkward only because I thought she was yelling “Nicotine!” so I ran in to refill her Camel Lights IV drip.  As I opened the door I caught a glimpse of my mother having sex with another man.  I screamed and ran.  I remember little about that event.  As I think back, I can picture my mother, a floating green sash, and a tangled IV drip.  I continue to hear this bastard Nico’s name in my head, screamed by my mother.

For peace of mind, I’m begging you and your ultimate wisdom, can you please tell me the future of this gentleman?  Does he die a horrible death?  Does he contract one of my mom’s numerous STDs?

Will my mother ever return to me?

Dear Momless,

Hey there champ!  How you doin' there little guy.  Hey, take a seat chief, I want to have a little talk there.  You miss your mom, huh?  Yeah, I thought so.  You know, this stuff is never easy, sometimes these things just happen, and there's no one to blame, certainly not this ‘Nico Thyme’ fella, I mean, he sounds like a great guy!  A real straight-shooter, and certainly not someone upon whom you should someday take revenge.
 
Look, here's something that's going to be hard for you to understand right now, but sometimes when a Daddy gets older, parts of him stop working, and when that happens, sometimes Mommies turn to much younger and virile men with low standards whose parts do work and who are from a time when all known STDs in the universe have been eradicated. 
 
It's called adultery and Mommy is doing a lot of it right now.  Like...I mean a lot.  *swallow* Almost too much...almost, but not quite.
 
So anyway, your Mom will come back when she's had enough, and while I do not personally know the man who has taken pity on her, I'm sure that he will get his just deserts, and you in no way need to follow up on that.

Anyway, eat your vegetables!

-The Barry of Time

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Dear Nick of Time,

Will this erectile pump I bought off the Internet ever actually work? It promises 18 inches (well, 45.7 centimeters -- the dern thing is Ukrainian-made, Slovakian-tested), but I have to apply the pump, every two hours, on the hour, for six months. I have followed instructions for eighteen hours now (nine sessions in toto), but the only results I've noticed are a yellow-green discharge. Will this actually pay off? Juanita says she won't wait "all year" for improvement, and I insisted that she'd only have to wait "half a year," and she called me a "joder estupido," whatever that means, and I said, do you want a Green Card or not? Now she's in the other room, cutting my face out of all our vacation/illegal immigration pictures. This is urgent. Urgent!

Starting to really, really chafe,

Anonymous
(But definitely NOT Lord Robert von Isenberg)

Dear Absolutely Lord Robert von Isenberg,

Well there is no part of that letter that doesn’t make me want to throw-up uncontrollably.  Ok, let’s take this step by step.  Ok, never…ever buy anything, ANYTHING, off of the internet that doesn’t have Ron Jeremy’s name on it!  His food dehydrators…exceptional; the Ron Jeremy outdoor grill and BBQ set…perfection; his penis pumps…top of the damn line! 

Which brings me to your discharge (dear god let me never have to use that sentence again).  You have radiation poisoning.  Yeah.  Sorry to harsh your buzz, Marie Curie, but they make those things out of abandoned soviet missiles.  No shoddy Ukrainian radioactive plastic from Mr. Jeremy, however!  Have I mentioned how many times his line of Geiger Counters has saved my ass?  673.

Now, there is a bright side to all of this.  Over the next few days your Penis will swell to an inconceivable size, Juanita will be happy (and will hopefully stop screaming like a harpy in social situations because you are finally able to satisfy her) and life will seem perfect.  Then, of course, you will die.  Or perhaps mutate, it’s hard to say.  Anyway, Juanita will turn to me for comfort, and I’ll totally have a threesome with her and that kid’s mom. 

Then I’ll take your corpse into the future and save you I guess, ‘cause I’m a dear like that.

So, to sum up, chafing is really the least of your problems.

Questions for 02/17/07

Dear Nick of Time,
I know most fans will kill you for spoiling it,
I can’t wait, can you tell me what happens in
the last Harry Potter book!?
- Susan, Austin TX

Dear Susan,
I do not fear legions of Harry Potter fans breaking down my door in the middle of the night and skewering me with pitch forks and roasting the flesh from my bones with enchanted flames, I have security measures to repel children, middle-aged virgins, and anyone with no life already in place, unfortunately I cannot reveal any details about the book because it never reached publication and all original manuscripts were destroyed along with all those who had read them.
In April of 2007, months before the book was set to hit store shelves around the world, a group calling itself “We Hate Harry Potter and All Pieces of Literature That Aren’t the Bible but Really Hatred of Harry Potter is Our Main Focus Right Now,” (or, as more reasonable members of society referred to them, “Total Dicks”) rose up and demanded that Scholastic Publishing halt the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, positing that the infinite and eternal ache of not experiencing a satisfying end to the beloved series would be a fitting prelude to the inevitable hell to which it’s readers had condemned themselves the instant they parted the covers on the first installment some ten years previous.
These “Self-righteous Bastards” further insisted on the public execution by fire of the series creator and author J.K. Rowling, their justification being that she would naturally survive a public drowning. When both the publishing industry and world leaders rebuked their demands, the “Major A-holes” staged a worldwide simultaneous coup-d’état, murdering high ranking government officials claiming that they were irreversibly in the sway of the wizard whore, and razed Ms. Rowling’s estate, Scholastic Inc, and the whole of the publishing industry just in case.
The “Flaming Douchebags” were unable to destroy 5 pages and a table of contents that had been scanned by a sociopathic intern and placed on the internet. They indicated a plot thread involving young Harry embarking on a series of quests to obtain a key to a jail in which his friends Hermione and Ron had been trapped. These quests seemed to include, among other things, a watermelon eating contest, a search for a frog, a lesson in counting apples (presumably by means of magic), the naming of a chicken, a 73 page chapter about the wackiness surrounding milking a cow, a botched kidney transplant, and retrieving a sample from a river of slime flowing beneath New York City.
Historians have puzzled over these pages for centuries but all are in agreement on one thing, had the book actually been published, the “Filthy Horselovers” would still have gotten their wish.

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Dear Your Dukeship,
Will Charo ever get the Oscar
she so richly deserves?
- Pedro, Abilene KY

Dear Pedro,
The Academy loves it when Actors really push themselves, and in 2009 they rewarded Charo for doing just that. When this saucy Spanish Coochy Coochy Girl gained 60 pounds and had a sex change operation to play Ray Sorliopeni, a coal miner from eastern Pennsylvania who dreamed of being a Spanish Coochy Coochy Girl only to choke on his own vomit moments before his big debut, the Academy was watching. Audiences however were not, and in spite of a brief Oscar buzz inspired rerelease in art house cinemas in and around transsexual Spanish mining towns, the film only managed to gross $26.00. Sad really.