I bet the actual Prince of Nigera has a hard time getting people to respond to his emails.

I only participate in Farmville for the government subsidy checks.

Now I don’t know how I’m supposed to quit any job without the presence of an emergency slide and beer.

You want to know what the best part about going to weddings is?  It’s not the open bar, or getting to see who the strongest female is during the bouquet toss, or all of the complimentary gifts that are left out on the table by the door.  It’s the joy of seeing a couple decide that they want to spend their life together…and there’s an open bar.  Did I already say that?  I take it back.  That’s the best part.

Everyone’s all a-twitter with this Dancing with the Stars hysteria, but wait till they finally get all of my letters and greenlight Most Dangerous Game With the Stars. Nothing says entertainment more than Betty White trying to hunt down George Lopez with a crossbow.

Thanksgiving.  A day to celebrate the stuffing of turkeys so that we may stuff our faces as we desperately try to retcon history and convince people that the Native Americans just simply moved to Canada.  Today is a day to loosen your pants and ponder that which you are thankful for.  Here is a brief and incomplete list of things I am, indeed, thankful for:

• The people who survive parade tramplings.
• The Hamkey.  A delicious animal that I haven’t spit in the face of God to make yet.
• Captain America’s sidekick, Bucky.
• The works of Dr. Egon Spengler.
• The last half hour of Hard Boiled.
• My dear family, the Lyons Esqs.  A family of Dutch spice merchants who dared to rebel against their Flemish captors to get the law degrees that they were, in no way, qualified to use.
• My screenplay for a Pac-Man movie that is awesome.
• The Hodgepodge Society. Like the community center in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, the Hodgepodge Society has always been there for me to channel my youthful creativity into things that are more funny and less illegal.
• My wonderful lady friend.  She manages to look past my insane trappings and fits of Stooge-fueled hysteria to see something I didn’t even know was there.  The beauty in her eyes is matched only by the beauty in her soul.  She’s also foxy.  And NO I didn’t get her by ordering her in a crate from Uzbekistan, Lord Robert! Jerk.
• Things that are scotch guarded.
• The cadre of ninja assassins I’ve sent for the head of Carlos Mencia.  May their vicious strikes and ninja stars land faithful and true.
• Any episode of The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

And there’s so much more….but the call of Pumpkin Pie waits for no man.  I must answer it.  Happy Thanksgiving!