WARNING: This PAY IT FORWARD is going to make you wicked hungry, Internet.

Emphasis on “wicked.”

I knew a boy throughout junior high and high school who had a reputation for being a total perv with the ladies. If you were a girl, he was warm for your form and he let you know about it. He spent years making crude jokes about what he wanted to do to my boobs, and then everyone graduated and BOOM! He came fah-lyyying out of the closet. He was gay! Of course he was gay! He didn’t want to come within 100 meters of my damn boobs (…literally), and that’s why he constantly spoke to the contrary.

So you’ll have to forgive me if I’m less than convinced that a man who constantly yammers on about how straight he is doesn’t actually enjoy the occasional mouthful o’weenus, especially when he presents this self-portrait as evidence of his supreme gun-owning, bike-riding, manly-man toughness:

HAAAAY GIRRRRL!

Sometimes when I read the forwards you guys send me, I’m at a loss for words, and not in a good way. Having used the terms “moronic,” “idiotic,” and “horrifically fucking ridiculous” in my PAY IT FORWARD entries more times than I can count, sometimes I feel the need to turn to visuals when expressing my reactions. And so I give you a photo I snapped with my cell phone mere moments after reading the last sentence of today’s featured forward:

This is also the face I make whenever I try to watch “How I Met Your Mother” after being told for the 6,235,620th time that it’s “so funny” and “you’ll love it.”

(It isn’t and I don’t.)

I don’t know about you guys, but I have a serious need for a PAY IT FORWARD today. Sometimes the only cure for what ails you is to make fun of others. Pretty sure Jesus said that.

OK, FINE! You didn’t! Geez…

This one comes to us from reader Sarah, and gets points for originality, artistic merit, and unintentional (and therefore hilarious) sexual innuendo disguised as a parable. Let’s read on!

Hope you came prepared, Internet. Shit’s about to get poultrified up in here.

If you’re kinda confused to what a skeezer is/it’s just a girl who’s on my jock ’cause I’m in showbiz.

I’ve noticed that most forwards tend to fall into one of four categories: God Stuff, Political Stuff, Inspirational Bullshit, and Lady Stuff. Today’s installment is a TRIPLE-header, my friends, and it’s all about the Lady Stuff.

Although I would much prefer the Double Stuf. (DIRTY!)

Fuck yeah, it’s PAY IT FORWARD time again, Internet! I’ve sorely missed all my pretty little forwards bobbing around in my inbox while I was off tackling toddler health issues, but now I’m back to give them all sloppy kisses before skewering them here for the inane, ignorant nuisances they are. Today we will learn that there is indeed a God, but He doesn’t seem to like us very much.

Like, He said He would call, but then He never did. If I find out He’s been letting all my calls go to voicemail, I swear to Him I’ll lose it.

Today’s forward comes to us from reader Laura, and is basically a giant SUCK IT UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF IT letter from God. Man, who knew God was so cranky? He’s like a giant, omniscient, distant Dad who just wants you kids to leave him alone for five damn minutes so he can read the paper already, and don’t even get him started about the time Jesus called him all “Dad, I’m being crucified, can you come pick me up?” because that really got him steamed.