Brace yourself, Internet. Believe it or not, it’s PAY IT FORWARD! time again.
I’m so excited, I just OakRidged in my leisure suit.
I know, I KNOW! It’s been so long! I’m pretty certain this is the first official PAY IT FORWARD! of 2011, and I’d check my archives to be sure except that it would make me sad to know that I’ve neglected one of my favorite things in the world for eight solid months. BOO!
Please to temper your anticipation, though, because you must remember: we are still dealing with email forwards here. Soul-killing, hope-crushing, eyeball-searing email forwards. There is a good chance your sense of humor will be flatlining by the end of this blog post. And for that, I am truly sorry.
I’m also truly sorry for Flatliners. Anyone remember that movie? Awful.
Before we begin, make sure your eye-rolling muscles are nice and stretched and limber. I don’t want any injuries, and we’re all a bit rusty. Here we go!
Today’s installment came to me courtesy of a random family member…I think. I’ve had it saved on my desktop so long that I sort of can’t remember. SHAME! So if you sent this to me, let me know & I will place the
blame credit where it belongs.
Yep, it’s one of those horrendous slideshow deals that overtakes your whole computer when you click on the attachment. And there’s music! Of course there’s music. I mean, how else will you be sufficiently embarrassed in front of all your coworkers while you frantically search for the ESC key?
Also, as you can tell by the whimsically tilted letters in the word “CHILDREN,”shit is about to get insufferable up in here.
(One more thing: “Author unknown”? HA. Oh, OK. But thank goodness “Tommy’s Window” took the time to copyright it. Christ.)
Yeah, talk about price shock! Or maybe sticker shock, which is the actual phrase, but maybe Tommy and/or his Window do not have the necessary copyrights required to use it.
I’m also kind of confused about the cost of raising a kid “for a middle income family.” Wouldn’t the cost of raising a kid be the same for any family, regardless of income level? Isn’t that why this whole “cost of raising a kid” thing is (supposed to be) so shocking? Are poor kids cheaper? Rich kids more expensive? So many stupid questions I will never know the stupid answers to!
I don’t know. Seems a little steep.
Hey — has anyone seen that poisoned Kool-Aid I left sitting right hereOHGODNO!
Yeah, I know. Like we didn’t see this grossness coming.
For the record, you can get three out of those four things (glimpses of God, giggles under the covers, more love than your heart can hold) by smoking peyote. Just saying.
Isn’t it funny how creepy these things become when you imagine them applying to a grown-ass adult instead of a child?
“Have you met Todd in Purchasing yet?” “Yeah, he spent, like, 20 minutes yesterday telling me how awesome clouds are, and his hands are always covered in jelly. Fucking sociopath.”
HAHA OH, HONEY, DADDY LOST ALL OUR MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET SO IT’S REALLY GREAT THAT YOU LIKE DRINKING OUT OF THE NEIGHBOR’S GARDEN HOSE BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE WE’LL BE GETTING OUR KEY NUTRIENTS FROM NOW ON.
Again, that seems steep, especially considering you will still be expected to do adult bullshit like make dinner and get your period.
OK. So. This photo is another prime example of how creepy things get when you replace kids with adults. Just picture the three kids in this picture with three people you work with. Go ahead and vomit. I’ll wait for you.
Whoa, smug much, kid? He seems to be saying yeah, you’ll take that fucking glittery pasta wreath and YOU’LL LIKE IT, even after it absorbs too much moisture after a humid summer in storage and becomes riddled with black mold. Oh, you want to throw it away? Only if you want to throw away PART OF MY CHILDHOOD. That’s what I thought. BOOM!
My kid never acts like I’m a hero for doing any of the above, and she shouldn’t, because that shit is lame.
First step? First word? AWESOME. The rest of it? I’ll need a stand-in, thanks.
Whoa, what? When you use the phrase “limbs in your obituary,” it’s time to reconsider your metaphor.
Also, not real sure what that “criminal justice” and “human sexuality” thing is all about. Not sure I want to delve too deeply into it, either. Basically, it sounds like parenting is a lot more interesting for some of you out there. Cripes.
Oh, yeah, God-like for sure. Remember that one time in the Bible when God chaperoned Jesus’s slumber party? And who can forget the time He totes grounded Jesus for getting crucified? He took away his cell phone and everything!
Ugh. Gross. Shut up, Tommy, with your gross old hairy wrist.
Also, a link to the website! Goodbye, next three hours of my life!
BTW, I totally went to that site. Of course I did. And while there, I read this brilliant sentence: “We hope you’ll take time to enjoy an appetizing, fresh, and revitalizing banquet of life through our unique and inspiring PowerPoint and Flash Presentations.” Sounds delicious!
Remember to take a clean plate each time you visit the banquet of life.
That’s it for this installment, Internet! Whew — did that feel good. I promise not to lapse so horribly in my PAY IT FORWARD! duties ever again.
Unless you need me too after reading this entry, in which case, I totally understand.